Campus Connection

When I decided to enter graduate school four years ago, I knew that my life would change. Four years later, I’ve found myself on the East coast, with a wonderful wife and a precious baby girl…and I am still a graduate student.

I began graduate school in Mississippi in June 2004, and was under the impression that I would complete graduate school there. I was married exactly two years later. Balancing classes and marriage was not a huge challenge. During my third year of graduate school, I found myself having to choose between moving to Baltimore to complete my graduate studies or starting over with a new advisor at my current institution. Suffice to say, we decided to relocate to Baltimore.

Wow! Talk about a transition! Less than a month after moving, we were blessed with the news that my wife was pregnant. Not only did we have to adjust to our new life in Baltimore, but we had to come to grips with the idea of raising our first child a thousand miles away from our parents and grandparents. What made this prospect all the more intimidating had a lot to do with not having our families around.

You see, I come from a family that ate dinner together every Sunday and afterwards would congregate at my grandparents’ home. Conversations there almost always included older family members telling stories of the “old days” with some moral ending. Holidays were spent barbequing or frying fish. Saturdays were spent playing with cousins and neighborhood friends. Summers were spent vacationing together or simply visiting one another for extended periods of time. Birthdays and anniversaries were excuses for us to get together and celebrate with food and fun. My upbringing was all about family, and so the prospect of not being able to offer my children the same kind of experience made me a little sad.

Kaeley made her debut in June, after, as the doctor put it, a “boring pregnancy” – my wife experienced no major health issues. Though I do have to say, the swelling, nausea, extreme fatigue, and sleepless nights were exciting enough.

After her birth, certain unforeseen circumstances and complications demanded that I be home the first couple of weeks. However, I was able to take advantage of the flexibility my program offered me in this respect.

There were morning and/or afternoon doctor appointments for mother and child and occasional errands that warranted immediate attention. My advisor was very understanding, allowing me to adjust my schedule in a way that would let me work in the evenings and stay home in the mornings or afternoons. That is, as long as the research was still taking place . . .

Having been able to deal with the problem of extra time off with much ease, we now had to figure out who would take care of the baby once my wife went back to work. The idea of leaving my daughter in the care of virtual strangers for 8-9 hours a day, five days a week was almost too much for me to handle; I could work myself into a frenzy contemplating all the “what ifs.”

Now don’t misunderstand me. I have nothing against daycare centers; I know that there are some wonderful institutions available. However, my grandmother took care of me and my siblings until we were old enough for kindergarten. As a result, my parents had one less thing to worry about. In a perfect world, our daughter would not be placed in daycare until she was old enough to verbally express herself. Unfortunately, that was not an option.

So, to overcome our concerns, we took the time to interview various agencies and ask tons of questions. We met with the people who would potentially interact with our daughter. We toured the facilities and inquired about safety protocols. And now, I am almost positive that the daycare we’ve selected is going to be a great experience for our daughter. It is very close to my wife’s place of employment and we are able to drop in unannounced as often as we would like to visit with our daughter and to monitor her adjustment. The key was to start early, shop around, and ask a lot of questions.

Putting those initial problems aside, how does fatherhood affect my graduate school experience? After suffering from extreme sleep-deprivation, I’ve realized how important time management is to balancing my day-to-day activities and responsibilities. But I also learned the importance of trashing the feelings of guilt and selfishness, and setting aside some time for myself. Even fifteen minutes of alone time can be sufficient to clear my head and get reorganized. It can be through meditation, cooking, playing the piano, reading, or simply sitting outside on the steps and marveling at God’s workmanship.

There are times when my baby girl will smile and coo, and nothing seems more wonderful and satisfying. But there are also times when she cries or demands attention and I find myself struggling to get my work done. And now that classes are back in session, I can foresee things getting even harder.

Nonetheless, I have found fatherhood to be a wonderful and rewarding experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world. And though we are miles away from home, we have been blessed with the support of an amazing aunt and uncle who recently moved to the area, friends and colleagues, good planning and plenty of faith.